She Said
When we want to turn our pleasurable fantasies into play - real time
reality Many times these scenarios don't work out as we fantasized they would
or worse yet become really bad trips when acted out in real time.
In on going relationships where we are familiar with our partner
many times situations and feelings are taken for granted.
We often forget the other person's needs/rights and if they don't vocalize
their feelings or needs, the scene can often end up good for one party and
not the other.
The key here is communication. Stop the scene call a time out and
reevaluate what's happening. Seems simple enough however many submissive
don't stop scenes for a variety of reasons: They don't want their dominant to
be disappointed-or they feel maybe they deserve what they get-or even have
problems remembering this is fantasy play and they can say no.
Sometimes they aren't sure where they want the scene to go or don't know how
to get what they need out of the scene.
They have difficulty communicating these feelings or needs to the dominant,
in many cases.
Recently I know of people who have been playing/scening where the top thinks
the scene is fantastic and the bottom is thinking I haven't connected with
this top-How can this be?
Well, part of the problem is communication-also moods each
one brings to a scene/play event. We constantly say dominants aren't mind
readers but still body language should be apparent if one is looking for
it. I think what happens is the people
are so much into their own space that they aren't aware that their partner
isn't fully in tune with them or they aren't watching signals given off real
or unspoken signals or body language.
It reminds me of a scene I saw at Paddles a few weeks ago. It was a really
hot looking play. I thought while watching them play that both people were
really having the time of their lives. When I
had occasion to chat with the bottom, after the scene was over, I was
surprised
when she said it was okay but nothing she wanted to repeat again.
We chatted about why she wasn't enjoying the play. She said even though she
adores her master she felt totally disconnected, from the scene,
as just a body (vessel), not his adored submissive-Yet he was beaming and
thrilled with how his performance went and kept telling her she was a good
girl.
What baffled me most was, when I suggested she talk with her dominant,
telling him she felt empty. Her response was, I'll wait and see, if next time
we play it's better. I walked away shaking my head thinking why would a
person with high self esteem go along with something not to their liking.
Then I thought maybe their self-esteem isn't intact. Maybe
its not about self esteem, maybe its just the bottom not knowing how to
communicate her needs to the dominant in a manner both would feel fulfilled
without it seeming like she was topping from the bottom.
Are we so fragile or so into our own fantasies that we are willing to put up
with mediocre just to occasionally get what we need? I have talked with lots
of people who say not all scenes are good, however they keep doing these
scenes hoping the next one will take them to subspace.
This seems to me more than just a lack of communication. Maybe
the people sceneing shouldn't be sceneing because they cannot clearly
delineate what their own needs are and where they expect the ds
play/relationship/scene to take them.
My point is there is a great lack of communication here at all levels, be it
doms
who have no idea of what their submissives or play partners are feeling.
Or in fact the submissives that don't tell
their doms of their dissatisfaction with what is happening in and during the
scene. I find it hard to believe all
these people have such a poor command of the English language that they canít
make their feelings understood to the other party.
I must therefore conclude
that there is a much deeper motive or at least reason for this lack of
communication.
We
have talked about starting from the point of knowing whom you are and what you
expect to get out of the relationship. It should be more than just the high
(endorphin) release most of us look for. It is apparent to me that most of
these people are not being honest with themselves or don't feel they are
worthy
of the consideration, in play in fact they as human participants are entitled
to have recognized by the other play partner.
This can only mean it is time to go back to the old adage about; know
thine self, because only when you know your own needs, motivations for what
you are doing and how you are acting, can in fact you achieve your goals of
mutual scene enjoyment.
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He Said
Okay as I travel through the scene world of Dominance and Submissive (all the
rest of the titles included ad-nausea) all there is to observe in many
instances are states of either mass confusion, hysteria or both. This
incidentally is not by way of criticism but just a seemingly almost universal
state of mind of many life stylus's and would be life styles. Believe me I
know only too well how one can become confused or dissatisfied with his or
her situation in this life. Mainly, because we are always reversing reality
and fantasy, not only in our minds but also in our real lives by our actions.
We continually want to turn our pleasurable fantasies into play - real time
reality. Many times these scenarios don't work out as we fantasized they
would or worse yet become really bad trips when acted out in real time. This
situation then expands outwardly from the affected individual to this
person's significant other or worse yet just eats away at the distressed
individuals psyche. In any event this collective turmoil or confused or
disillusioned persons begins to adversely affect those around them.
Normally I don't bring my personal experiences, in the first person into a
discussion because then the works begin to sound biographical at best and
more than likely a dismal attempt at self -aggrandizement, neither of which
properly serves my purposes. However in this case I am going to take the
liberty of giving a brief sketch of a scene that went wrong with me recently,
because it surprised me to no end and took me a little time to figure it out
in my head.
I am what can be termed a dominant masochist. I like to be topped because
the adrenalin highs can't be beat by any substance on the face of this earth.
It is also an erotic turn about from the rest of my life to submit to and
role-play women as a submissive. With these two facts clearly in mind I will
try and move through this rapidly. A friend of mine arrived late on evening
at the Hellfire Club with four pro domina's or better would be dominas in
tow. These were by far not the best players in the world not by a long shot.
But hey I hadn't played in a long time and I was in my; I will be happy to
play with a bus mood. Playing with a bus was pretty close to the way the
scene transpired. They were into verbal humiliation, coupled with spitting
screaming etc. This is before they got to the part I liked namely the
corporal end of the scene. They had me crawling around yelling from all
directions I was basically spat upon attacked verbally and physically. They
got so involved in their own shit at one point I had to stop the scene
altogether. Then when a little groundwork and communication was accomplished
we were able to continue to play.
When it was all over I was totally drained, both from the physical aspects of
the scene and the emotional stress engender by being simultaneously attacked
by four female strangers. It was about 12 hours later that I became rather
perturbed between my own ears. First of all I am usually pretty selective to
whom I submit to and how I do submit at that - be accused by many of my lady
friends at being a really poor example of a slave - while on the other hand
being a great masochistic player. What I had allowed myself to get into left
me feeling rather stupid and certainly not really that great. I felt that
this wasn't an exhibitionist scene but instead a humiliating attack I had
allowed to happen to my person. This was really starting to perturb me - the
last time I was perturbed about any scene I had played I couldn't really tell
you right now. This includes sharps play - having my lips sewn shut to a
little sharps play. Never was a problem with this.
After getting over my surprise at my post scene psychological reaction to the
scene I decided to investigate why I felt the way I did about this. First of
all I realized that my reaction to being spat upon, the unsanitary part
aside, or being verbally humiliated by four questionable individuals was
basically irrational on my part. They didn't matter to me before the scene
started and they certainly didn't matter after the scene was over. What I
had done during the scene or how I participated in the scene was again no
problem for two reasons. First of all it didn't matter because it was simply
my fulfilling my desire to play with anyone or anything including a bus.
Secondly everyone who knows me knows I am a crazy bastard capable of doing
almost anything at any given time. Therefore no one would give a second
thought to what transpired. In other words I couldn't look any crazier than
everyone already believes I am when in certain moods. There wasn't any
damage to my self-image or mirror self-image of how others perceive me. Once
I had this issue out of the way - I was able analyze the rest of the
situation relatively easily. Simply put in my mind I had inserted an element
of reality where in fact existed nothing but acted upon fantasy. All my
scene friends telling me how cool from they had heard the scene I had done
was and that they were sorry they missed it only reinforced my belief that
this was the correct analysis of the situation. Hey fucking go figure where
and how your next plaudit is coming
The above, hopefully short, narration is for the following purpose. It is to
reinforce what I am about to say; "Know thyne self." Yes folks it is very
important before you immerse your self in this fantasy world that you have an
excellent command over who you know yourself to be in reality. You must more
importantly be relatively happy with who you know yourself to be. There is
no room here for using play as a form of self-flagellation. No one should
seek to play - notice the word- to punish themselves for real or imagined
sins against themselves. Nor should they be looking for others to take over
responsibility for them selves or should anyone decide you must have a person
under your control in fantasy because in reality you don't have control over
your own person.
Fore armed with the above knowledge you must be able to separate yourself
from others. It is extremely important to have a clear delineation between
you and them. You must recognize what others do or how they act may or may
not have a damn thing in reality to do with the way you act. It is extremely
possible that their motivations for their behavior are based upon their inner
feelings and perceptions of their life's needs. It is important to understand
yourself and what your needs are as a human being. Human needs must and
should be separated from material needs. Basics such as food shelter clothing
and money are not going to be discussed, but your needs, as recognition of
self worth, value as a human being to yourself are very important.
Once you know who and what you are in a positive vane you can go out into the
world to find out what you need and want from others. Keep in mind an old
rule of thumb; "If the situation doesn't satisfy my needs then I should
remove myself from the situation." Keep in mind no one said it is going to
be easy to satisfy your human needs in the world we live. Furthermore the
sooner you recognize there are no quick fixes to satisfying these needs the
better off you will be. Others can help you or contribute to you satisfying
your needs but in fact they can only help if they know themselves. If you
are dealing with a person with many personal issues unresolved and are
looking for them to help you fulfill your goals then you are in most cases
looking in the wrong place. Yes the union of a dominant aggressive
personality with a submissive personality can be a mutually beneficial union,
but only if both people use the others strengths wisely. It becomes a very
destructive relationship if one person uses his or her strengths to take
advantage of the other's weaknesses.
In conclusion what I am saying you must know yourself before you embark on
fantasy fulfillment through D&S. You must be able to find your way back to
the world of reality from the world of fantasy. It is necessary to know both
your reality needs and your fantasy needs. More importantly you must have the
ability to properly compartmentalize these needs so they do not become
confusing. The grip on life we all hold can get very slippery sometimes but
we most all make the effort not to let it slip away.
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