She Said
When I refer to D/S I am talking about Domination/Submission. Which is a
fantasy concept. By that I mean a creation of the mind, not a physical state
of reality. I am not suggesting however, that it's a game. If you are a
dominant, you relish being in control of another who has volunteered to give
you that control. This exchange is, for all intents and purposes, role-play,
because the dynamics of the play rely on both parties aligning their wills in
order to achieve the state of dominance/submission. Both partners assume
their roles consensually. Were such rolls assumed nonconsensually, we'd have
abuse, or true slavery, which last time I checked was illegal.
If we agree that Domination/submission is a fantasy state of mind then we
are acknowledging the reality of the relationship. This fantasy state can be
for a day, a few hours, a weekend, or even full time. In good D/s
relationships, the Dominant successfully intertwines their fantasies with the
submissive's so that both parties' needs are fulfilled.
Unfortunately, some people don't have a clear understanding of the
*realities* of their fantasies. They can't, in realistic terms, say *why*
they want to role play this fantasy, nor can they identify specifically
*what* they want the fantasy to do for them. Many fantasize away, without
asking themselves these important quesitions. Which can lead to very
realistic problems, two of which I'll mention here. One- Not ALL creations
of the mind are meant to enter the world of reality. Two- This isn't domination/submission, its a form of vending
machine fulfillment of the submissives's fantasies, without the dominant
establishing clear goals to lead the submissive to in terms of role play.
This problem is usually the result of one or both role -play participants not
planning in reality before jumping off into fantasy play, or it could be that
one individual is in the world of fantasy while the other is still in the
world of reality.
Reality based relationships are where both parties can articulate what they
bring to the table. It is here that the prospective submissive/dominant
identifies qualities that make that them special or separate him or her from
others in the same category. Before I take on a submissive I ask two very
important questions; why do you feel you are submissive and what do you have
to offer to a dominant? This eliminates the vast multitude who are looking
for pure fantasy fulfillment rather than a reality based relationship.
Sometimes situations change. Sometimes the people involved understand all the
above in the beginning, but in living out their fantasies they become so
content that they choose to live in that state of contentment more often than
not. Orgasms, eroticism and adrenalin rushes are all very powerful and
addicting things. Reality and fantasy become blurred because emotions,
passions, lusts, desires and needs are being met and nurtured in a fantasy
world where continually wanting more of the same, regardless of the
consequences, is always okay..
I have seen submisisves fall very hard for dominants in a short period of
time because their fantasies are being met, and they forget that the
relationship takes more than fantasy fulfillment to work . The submissive
becomes spoiled or greedy or wanting, and once the dominant acquiesces, the
situation gets out of hand. This need for fantasy fullfillmet can escalate,
leading to the pushing of limits, and ever increasing adrenalin rushes...
This becomes the hottest most erotic experience, which the submissive often
interprets as love, yet is actually pure lust and gratification in the world
of fantasy. Don't get me wrong, the feelings are real. But they are being
experienced many times through what is fantasy, not reality. (I don't mean
to imply that this only happens with submissives- it happens with dominants
too- and sometimes with both the dom and the sub.
As responsible dominants the blame lies with us, because we are directing the
scene. It is our job to control the level of intensity, and to guide the
submissive back down where both feet are on the "ground" in the real world.
(I mean make sure the submissive is not inferring more from the exchange than
the dominant does.) I have been guilty of this myself, allowing my emotions
to rule over logic.
It's impossible to avoid the ups and down of a D/S relationship. Starting
with clear ideas of the expectations both parties have, and where you want
them to proceed, is essential. It's also a good idea to discuss how and why
you may end the relationship. This is not just up to the dominant but also
clearly because the submiisve has given over that control more often than not
the dominant partner decides when the end is the end.
This is my spin on the issue of reality versus fantasy in scene play. It
seems odd to me that a woman in a vanilla relationship will develop a
relationship slowly over a period of time, before she will find herself
extremely attracted to or attached to a significant other. This woman will
start off with a casual date. Then may be another date next week. If things
seem to be going well maybe she'll see this individual more than once a week.
As their relationship progresses, she will decide whether to accept his
advances of intimacy. But rest assured she has found out if he's married,
separated divorced, has children, what type of job he has, levels of
education, intelligence, etc. This all occurs before she gives over her heart
and her body. Now take this same woman and put her in a D/S scene situation
and assume she is submissive. On the first encounter (find it hard to call
the first scene a date) she takes off her clothes, lets him do all kinds of
interesting and probably painful things to her body, and often lets him get
sexually intimate. Practically before she is untied she has fallen madly and
passionately in love with this man who she may only know by a computer screen
name. It's this type of fantasy fulfillment, blurring the harsh realities of
the situation, which leads to many of the problems people are encountering in
the scene.
I am not saying that this problem is only limited to women. Men who are
normally very cautious often find themselves madly infatuated with a woman
who has just tied them to a bed and tried to rip their nipples off their
body, before pouring hot wax all over their chest, crotch, and balls.
Again, hardly before he leaves her presence he has decided *this* is the
woman of his dreams and his ultimate mate forever and ever. Now this lady
might have just wanted a good time for the evening with a guy she felt was a
geek. She wanted to torture something bigger than a spider or a mouse. Now
it's not hard to imagine the potential problems that can arise as fantasies
are left fulfilled,but the realities of the situation have not been
recognized. . Fantasy MUST be fulfilled by the individuals involved ONLY
after communicating in terms of REALITY for this thing called BDSM to be
beautiful and to work.
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He Said
Okay we have two factors open for discussion at this time. On one side we
have the realities of ones life and on the other side we have our fantasies.
In the real world unless you are diagnosed as having severe neurotic or
psychotic mental disorders it is assumed that a hard fast line can be drawn
between reality and fantasy. An easy example of this would be the idea of
having a brand new Mercedes Benz parked in your driveway or going on a
vacation to the French Rivera for a month is quickly relegated to the
category of day dreams / fantasy when ones bank statement and credit card
bills come in the mail. In the real world your fantasies are by and enlarge
not fulfill able. Most people seem to readily understand the above stated
concept in the vanilla world. There are easily recognizable patterns that
can be followed for everything from religion, marriage, dating, to making an
apple pie. The boundaries are relatively well laid out for us if we bother to
look.
I always say; " I love my fantasies because reality sucks and I most live in
the world of reality about 99% of the time." Naturally I look to fulfill my
fantasies, as do most people reading this little dissertation in the scene.
Now here is where it gets tricky - also wherein lies the point of this
discussion. Do I in fact look to fulfill my fantasies by relying on
realistic appraisals of situations and people or do I in fact fantasize about
people and their role in my fantasies. Better yet do I associate with others
who live in a world of reality or in a world of fantasy? Hey for two people
ideally to get together in the scene their fantasies should compliment each
other. This allows for mutual fulfillment and good power exchanges. However
the question can be reasonably asked what happens if one or both people are
trying to live in a fantasy world to in fact satisfy their fantasies.
Bluntly put, in the last case scenario the shit is going to hit the electric
fan while they are standing right in front of the fan. It doesn't take much
imagination to know what a shit mess that is going to make.
This confusion of reality and fantasy or using fantasy to fulfill fantasies
is where many problems are readily generating themselves amongst scene people
on a daily basis. Males are becoming enraptured with female dominas and
domes that in fact are not at all enraptured with the males. Female subs are
also in amazingly short periods of time falling in love with unavailable
masters or expecting things from these males far and above what they are
either capable of giving them or for that matter willing to give them. This
is because lets face it role-play is by and enlarge fantasy play. When you
take it on as either a lifestyle or try to take it back into the real world
this where the problems come about for many individuals. The idea of being
ones 24/7 slave sounds great as a fantasy and for some people it does work
well as a total lifestyle, but lets remember the reality of it is Abraham
Lincoln through the Emancipation Proclamation freed all slaves back in 1863.
This concept therefore has no place in reality but only in fantasy. Hey this
is okay so long as the parties involved keep this in mind. They most be able
to communicate with each other on a level of reality in order for their
fantasies to be meaningful. It cannot be communicating in a fantasy world or
language in order to turn fantasy into reality. The reverse just doesn't
work.
A person wishing to role-play or fulfill fantasies in the scene must have a
firm grip who and what he or she really is all about. Keep in mind the scene
is not a cure-all for you life's problems. You must know your weaknesses and
your strengths going into this lifestyle. It is only by knowing oneself that
you will be able to guide yourself through fantasy fulfillment while at the
same time keeping in touch with reality. Putting it another way if you want
to be beaten, verbally abused and otherwise mistreated because you in fact
actually believe you are worthless piece of shit as the dom tells you then
you shouldn't be doing this, because in your mind you have no beckon to lead
you back to the reality of life. The same applies to the masochist who wants
to be beaten to experience pain and a punishment for his or her failure in
life. This is not in fact a healthy course to take to resolve you conflicts
in life. People who are disturbed as a result of life's unfortunate
experiences tend to fixate on what they are doing in the scene. The scene
life becomes their whole focus for living. The unfortunate thing about this
is that in most cases this really can't happen. People have to hold jobs and
keep focused on how they are going to make their way successfully in the real
world. If all their energies are fantasy fulfillment oriented then when
reality rears it's ugly head these folks come down very hard. The focuses
being unsoundly founded leave them totally disoriented and in much worse
shape than they were in before participating in these fantasies.
It's one thing to use role-play fantasy fulfillment as a recreational outlet,
but entirely another thing to base your life on fulfilling and maintaining
your fantasies. A man can throw himself at a dominant woman's feet worship
her do her bidding take her punishment as his reward for good service and
devotion. If this woman is in fact his wife hey it could be a marriage made
in heaven- provided he knows when to pick his ass up off the floor go out and
earn a living. Furthermore he must know when he must stand as an emotionally
strong individual for his wife / dome when she in fact needs emotional
reinforcement. They must also be able to communicate all their needs in
terms of reality even if they are fulfilled in fantasy. Quite candidly I
know many dominant women in this scene and I cannot think of one of them that
more often or not doesn't need a strong shoulder to lean on herself. Female
subs most also realize that Masters are not Islands unto themselves either.
They may need emotional support at times. If they cannot get it from their
female slave many times they go outside that relationship and look for it
elsewhere. Of course the same applies to the dominant woman. The inability
to understand the role reality plays in ones life or when it is time to make
a quantum leap from fantasy to reality is causing many perplexing problems to
many individuals in the scene.
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