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My Thoughts as a "Newbie" Domme
Today I believe that self confidence is a key factor in effective domination.
However, I didn't have much self-confidence at all when I was 20 and
experimenting with these feelings for the first time. I was in constant fear
of looking silly, ridiculous or amateurish in the eyes of the young boys I
wanted to dominate. It was my constant concern that after playing with me
once, they'd never want to play with me again. It took a long time and many
successful scenes before my fears were conquered, and self-confidence became
a reality for me.
From the very beginning I realized that I would have to decide what I needed
or wanted from domination. This was difficult however, because I found that
common stereotypes never seemed to mesh with the real scenes you find
yourself experiencing. From the beginning I was uncomfortable with the
concept of inflicting pain to hurt my partner, and with the process of
gaining or receiving control from them in a scene. It was necessary for me to
understand what my partner wanted and what it was they were getting from me
giving them pain, or tying them up, or being at my mercy.
It took me awhile to understand the power exchange that can be achieved
through humiliating your partner. In the beginning I felt uneasy about this
type of scenario because I was afraid I would lose respect for my partner. I
found out through my early experiences that in fact, none of this was true.
Domination is about getting a reaction from your partner. People use and
enjoy different tools to get these reactions (power exchanges) -- ranging
from the very subtle, to the very extreme.
It also took me some time to keep focused on the simple fact that both people
are enjoying the tools being used in all of the above scenarios. I found out
early on that if you don't enjoy any of them, it doesn't mean you are not
capable of dominating him, it just means you have make adjustments in
developing your own style of play. It must be a style that fits you, one you
are comfortable with, and allows you to develop as a dominant. My earliest
experiences taught me the most important, effective tool in domination. It is
you - your demeanor, personage, and most importantly, your headspace. It is
the way you feel about your body, and the way you feel about your sexuality.
However I must say from my earliest experiences right through to today a
period of over 17 years, that for me it has been about "reactions". I
personally have felt one of the most basic rewards or rushes from domination
are "button pushing", or trying to get certain reactions from your partner.
It was one of my first feelings achieved through domination. As I got better
at my craft and my understanding increased I tried to get or create more
specific reactions from my submissives. Therein I came to understand one of
the challenges or in short - what tactics can I use to get those reactions?
I enjoy thinking about the dress I wore that made him first stare at me. I'm
pleased with myself because of these reactions I elicited from him, such as
not being able to take his eyes off me. It felt good that I had done
something to generate a sincere arousal and distraction in him. The reaction
being a combination of several things-the way he looked at me, the changes I
observed in his behavior - the way he breathed, spoke, and expressed himself.
It is quite a rush for me knowing I had done this to him. It gave me a great
sense of personal power and a feeling of empowerment over others.
In the beginning, one of my most challenging problems was nervousness,
sometimes combined with excitement. I was always worried about 'what ifs' or
'what will he think' etc. Today I still get very excited, especially with a
new partner, but I no longer have any accompanying nervousness. It vanished
as I became more experienced. I believe though, that everyone must experience
this nervousness and excitement. Without them, a good deal of the rush would
be gone and one might wonder, "Why bother?"
When I first began to dominate I found my nervousness manifesting mostly as a
lack of self-confidence. I constantly questioned myself. Worse than the old
20 questions story, it seemed I had a ton of doubts about myself. However,
as I analyzed these doubts carefully, I realized they were simply old
insecurities being expressed in terms of my new ventures into life. And as I
considered these doubts in light of my successes- I was able to cast them
aside as being irrational. I'd ask myself such questions as; does he think
I'm weird for doing this? Is this boring for him or I am boring? Am I not
being forceful enough? Am I going to do something bad and he won't tell me,
and then start acting distant? Is this coming off as silly?
In addition, I felt in the beginning that dominance was not a 'natural' drive
for me, nor did I fully understand it terms of my life and myself. However,
the more success I experienced in the world of domination, the more confident
I became. With myself, and with what I was doing.
The next important lesson I had to learn is that when in a scene, you must
get out of your own headspace and into the headspace of that scene.. I can't
recall how long it took me to learn this, but I can tell you, honestly, I am
very rarely in my own head when I dominate now. And that is a very good
feeling. If you find yourself asking too many questions, try to stop.
Consider that you have plenty of time to think about these things after you
have finished. Instead, think only about what you can do to make the
experience more enjoyable. In short, what do you want?
One of my earliest realizations was that most of my self-questioning came
from my own insecurity. You have a right to be insecure about domination if
you have never done it before. There is nothing wrong with that. But you
should not be insecure about your sexuality, your prowess, and your ability
to push your partner's buttons. I guarantee you one thing: No one knows
better than I how to push my partner's buttons. You are a goddess to him.
Once you recognize this fact you have won a victory over one of your greatest
enemies - insecurity..
I found early on that when insecurity manifests itself in domination, it
creates a vicious circle of self-questioning, self-doubt. Which then
manifests itself as more insecurity relating to the expression of those
feelings in an effort to make them go away. In other words, sometimes I found
myself telling my partner about what I was feeling in an effort to get some
positive feedback or direction. Of course regardless of what he said, I felt
like a failure for asking him when I was supposed to be dominating him. This
is one of the biggest pitfalls in novice domination. I had to deal with. I
realized early on that if you are dealing with insecurity in the middle of
domination. You need to express it and squash it in a manner that will not
undermine your self - confidence or how you perceive your partner is seeing
you.
I found the more self-confidence that emanated from me the more confidence
my submissive expressed in me. If I had doubts about how sexy I was I would
always say; "You find me incredibly sexy, don't you?" I always found his
reactions were exactly what I wanted to hear and in the right tone of voice.
When you speak with that kind of confidence, you get the reaction you want.
Men love self-confidence. Men love women who are self confident about their
sexuality and their body. Men love women that express that openly and freely.
Trust me on this. You will see the reaction.
If you are dealing with insecurity in your session, try turning it around by
taking the insecurity, announcing the opposite, and letting him affirm it for
you. If you are worried that you don't know what to do, smile at him and tell
him, "I can do anything I want to you."
The expectations of my partner were in the beginning very important to me and
a source of continual consternation on my part, until one day I said fuck it.
I am not going to concern myself about his expectations. If he is not happy
being with me then let him take a walk. If my pleasure doesn't more than
fulfill his needs then he is not the submissive for me. Because early on I
realized this is probably the most common and most damaging roadblock to
domination.
There is nothing more damaging to the mindset and comfort of a woman than
knowing her partner is expecting something, wanting something, or is
dissatisfied with her performance. This completely undermines the essence of
domination Even to this day, when I encounter this kind of thing in a
domination session; it destroys my mind frame and ruins my time. I usually
stop everything and often do not even attempt to try it again with that person
At this stage in my domination development, any expression of a desire, want,
or expectation when I am actually in my dominant role is completely off
limits. It may seem harsh, but I believe it is completely necessary to build
my dominant self confidence and find my own pleasure in domination before I
start juggling the desires of my partner - especially if he expresses them
inappropriately, hey too damn bad if he doesn't like it - my way or the
highway is an excellent method of training. I make damn sure to communicate
this to my partner so he knows how serious this is.
In my good time, I can tell him, once you have learned to enjoy dominance in
my own way, I may be ready to sit down and look at his fetishes and
fantasies. Then maybe I might make an attempt to figure out how to
incorporate them into my style. Most of the time I leaned to say fuck his
desires. If he wants me as a domina he takes me the way I am or finds
someone more in line with his fantasies. Hey this isn't Burger King where it
is done his way here its done my way.
I also realized in my pursuit of domination, there is no dress code. Wear
whatever makes you feel comfortable. The reason I am insisting on this is
because, I found out, these are tools that will just pile up in the
"expectations" ring. They will make you feel like you are dressing up for a
part, playing a role that is not you. You will feel like you are trying to
"live up" to those women in S&M stories or movies you might have seen. You
will feel like the only way you are powerful is if you pretend to be
something you are not.
Granted, you may find some of the above tools to be empowering. And, in time,
you might adopt many of them into your style. However, initially, I strongly
urge you to stay away from props and roles. Your dominance should be purely
from inside of you..
When I think back to my early domination games, I wonder what would have
happened if my partner had not introduced me to it first, but then also
introduced me to the entire range of "S&M" lingo, tools, and literature. I
think I would have been bewildered and confused. I was not interested in
props; I was interested in playing sexy, erotic games with my partner. If I
had a myriad of strange tools and props before me, I probably would have been
intimidated and overwhelmed, and my first experiences would have been awkward
and uncomfortable.
The adoption of tools into my play was gradual and exciting. At 20, I was not
buying dog collars, leashes, blindfolds and big red ball gags. I was using
silk scarves (or my boyfriend's tie), handcuffs from the magic shop or simply
ordering him to "hold still". He was not calling me "Mistress"; the power in
his reaction was simply that he addressed me, always, by looking into my eyes
and saying my name. That was far more erotic than any fantasy word someone
plucked out of a book. And it made an impression that helped me build my
dominant side from that day forward.
I began to realize once I got some of the basic steps mastered, I immediately
started having more in-depth domination experiences. One of the roadblocks I
observe in novice dommes is the tendency to either plan too much or plan too
little. When you plan too much, you get stuck on a path and things are too
structured. One of the most exciting things about domination is its un
predictable nature. If you are stuck in a structure or script that you want
to follow, you will wind up in your head again too much. You will find that
he does things you did not plan for, and then you are busy thinking of what
to do next.
The opposite problem is when you plan too little. If you don't put any
thought into it, you will wind up having him helpless before you, and then
not knowing what to do next. This is another thing that undermines your
confidence as you feel like you built up this tension and now there is a big
let down.
If I was playing with intense emotions, some times I might find myself
feeling unsure or guilty about what I was doing or feeling. It is natural to
feel uncomfortable if you realize that you are really getting turned on by
making your partner do something for you or endure a completely different
role than he is used to.
I used to have a very hard time with guilt, especially after we were done
doing our scene. I didn't have as much trouble with guilt during the do
mination; I was having too much fun and enjoying the sensations. Then, later,
I would look back and think, "Oh my god. I can't believe I just did that. I
can't believe I enjoyed that!". I was afraid to talk to my partner about it
because I felt uncomfortable and weird. I came to realize that this was just
a very emotional, vulnerable time for me. I needed reassurance just to know
that my partner was completely fine with what I did, and in fact enjoyed it
tremendously.
I found out that during these times of self-doubt on thing that would help me
out of it was feed back from my partner. I like to check in with the
submissive, usually after the scene is finished. I would ask how it was for
him. How he felt during he scene. If I am playing with a new person I might
ask during the scene what are you feeling. Doing this and watching body
language should take you a long way towards achieving your goals.
I hope my little tale about my travels through the world of domination will
help many people starting down this road now. My parting words are have fun
and be safe. Let your common sense be your rule guide about yourself and
what you are doing.
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