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24/7
By Master Ed
Caveat Empty. There are fantasy stories elsewhere in this issue, which may
get you juices flowing. We carry advertising from vendors who can sell you
exciting clothes to put on and toys to play with, and the Domsubfriends
calendar will tell you where to go once you're all dressed up.
This is not about any of that. This is about what some of us, maybe very
many of us, do when two people who started out felling wonderful about being
with each other have developed a pattern of anger, anguish and frustration,
yet remain so drawn to each other that loss of their bond together leaves
them felling half -dead.
Stop me before I love again. The dominant sadistic controlling Master has
been felled and lays practically paralyzed by what we can simplistically call
obsessive love. Although feelings of love, right up to the hottest
heart-crotch-soul fever you ever had, may not equal love.
What has this to do with the Scene? With the freedom to fulfill our most
forbidden fantasies these Exchanges of Power, 24 hour a day, 7 day a week,
lifestyle relationships daddy-grown up little girl scenes, spanking groups,
etc? Here's what:
Apart from pure lust, it all starts and ends with our needs to feel a certain
way about ourselves. A yearning to soar and live on a level that is more
than the drudgery of survival. A longing to feel loved, that our love is
needed and that we are needed for who we are. That we can be Just Right for
someone else and that at least one other person can be Just Right for us.
Gosh heck we need so a great deal!
And then we get lucky and fuck it up. In the Scene (not the public part but
in our private lives, where we really live) our lusts and desires to feel
emotionally connected both to a deeply rooted part of ourselves and to
someone else are often fulfilled with amazing over-whelming intensity. And
those fulfillments of lust and power or powerlessness can be addictive and
sometimes some of us take it too far. And then we blame the other person and
or beat ourselves up for doing less than great when we had no way of knowing
how to operate better.
I'm not talking simplistically about taking role-playing too seriously. I
don't engage in role - playing too seriously. I don't engage in role playing
just as I almost never "play" outside of a real relationship. I can have fun
and get my rocks off a little but everything I do is directed to fostering
the progress of a certain kind of S/M-D/S relationship. And I really only
want one such relationship and I want it to last.
When I talk about taking it too far, I mean that some of us have a great
empty hole deep inside. We find Ms. Or Mr. Right and start to experience
ourselves on some level, though no consciously, as their salvation, or we
begin to see that person as ours. We get off on anticipating what will be
good for them or want them to read our minds and anticipate needs too much of
the time. When we're more feeding our hungry egos, our needs to feel
important to ourselves and another, to be recognized to feel real.
Using the other person in this way as a daily diet can't help but fuck up a
good thing. We fail to see the other person, while he or she may be a good
match for us, as a fully separate human being with a personality that is not
only different and autonomous but which must stay that way for that person to
survive.
Instead we glimpse a little (or a lot) of intense perfection in our coupling
and also see a potential for that other person to share a whole life. But,
especially in D/S the fulfilling feeling that results from that merging can
make us forget that we and the other person each need to breathe through our
own separate lungs, absorb nutrition through our own separate guts, process
life, and experience through our own separate minds.
Forgetting the importance of that, and in the thrall of such near perfection
of feeling, this Master has offered away more of himself than he had to or
was good for him and then expected that the other person would see it the
same way and respond 'accordingly.'
Why do some of us do that? We forget what we never learned. Each of us has
been left out somewhere along the line when they were passing out the
knowledge, the emotional wholeness, the socialized equipment needed for
optimal functioning in this world, with others and ourselves. Most of all
with ourselves. We sometimes run to others to avoid ourselves.
I don't know whether people in the D/S scene are more like this than those in
the vanilla world at large, but I wouldn't be surprised. I don't see the
whole range of things we do, emotions we generate as being the same thing as
this kind of constant bingeing on junk food for ego. But I've seen an awful
lot of people who feel that they gave themselves, body and soul to these
kinds of relationships, walking around in a state of devastation. Filled
with blame and without compassion, for themselves and the other person for
why things didn't work out. Still needing people who they transformed, for
whatever reason from being their fulfillment into being their torment.
Not because anyone was intrinsically bad. We have so much to learn. At
least this Master does. I want our scene to be filled with smart, human,
caring people who can be good to themselves, reasonable with ourselves, more
often than not. There we can be truly good to the ones we love. I don't
want anyone to ever regret loving me, but that too has happened. That kind
of thing is never only one person's fault, but we have to take responsibility
for ourselves, with compassion for ourselves first and then for the others
involved. For mistakes made because we didn't know ourselves or love
ourselves well enough, or because we couldn't really see what we were doing,
or didn't know how not to make them. .
But someone very special to me used to say (probably still does),
"relationships are something you do till you get them right", and a famous
poet once wrote that the by-ways of the human heart grow as twisted as the
roots of trees.
May their boughs ever soar.
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